I have been meaning to write on my blog for weeks, months actually. I could say that life got in the way.
Things have been time consuming. My mental health has not been stable, I changed jobs, I moved out of my apartment (and I now finally live in the perfect little place) and well, at some point I figured out that no one cared anymore if I posted here.
But truth be told, and it was very surprising to me : some of you do care. A lovely person sent me a private message a few months ago to ask me what was up with my blog; if I did in fact abandoned it. She loved it and wanted to read me again. I remember that moment perfectly, I was taking a stroll in the Père Lachaise cemetery and I felt incredibly grateful to be remembered. That someone cared. It was cathartic.
Friends have been telling me to write more. I have been telling myself to do so as well; perhaps that in a way, this could help me ‘get better’ up here in my head.
I have been struggling with a case of “I’m not good enough” for quite a while now. I realized this morning that I never wanted to ” be like everyone else”. I never wanted to have a blog to be popular, I just wanted to share my states of mind. This has always been the goal for me, to share tidbits of my life, to be journaling more; like I started doing in 2002. So of course, while writing this, I took a walk down memory lane. Funny how I was just writing down random stuff, sharing my obsessions with people and not caring about being popular or not.
When I launched Sense & Sensibility, I remember being quite excited and always trying to get more creative, write and share more. This part of myself isn’t gone, I know it. It’s just hiding somewhere. I found my old notebook where I kept track of everything I was doing on the blog, and planning to do.
I have been seeing a psychologist for a few months now, and right at the beginning I told her that I was feeling stuck inside. This past year, I have been creating stuff for people, logos, website here and there; but nothing really for me.
It’s like I was unable to connect with me.
Believe me, this pains me because as long as I can remember I’ve always been a creative. So what happened to me? I kind of stopped taking pictures, stopped writing, stopped designing and lettering. I stopped being a creative person altogether.
If I’m being honest, I feel like everything was taking too much energy out of me.
I couldn’t be bothered, I was already feeling quite exhausted; why should I do stuff that would make me even more tired ?
Ever since the beginning of the quarantine, it’s like the creative part of me that was hiding has been reaching out. It wants to get out and express itself. This is the first step of me recovering my creative self. Isn’t it great? I grieved that part for so long.
So this is me again. Hi, my name is Candice. Welcome on Sense & Sensibility, the unabridged journals of my thoughts. I’m 29, I live in Paris and I’m a digital designer. Will you take me back lovely people?
PS: I’m going to change the design soon. I just wanted to post this before doing any change. You know, I’m trying to be impulsive and not overthink ever little things, lol.