On Breaking Down in 2017 and Rising Up in 2018

I feel like it’s tradition to look back on the past year, and witness the changes that happened in our lives. I didn’t want to write about mine because it’s not the brightest recap you could read on the internet, but damn it, why should I not write about a bad experience? It’s as important as the good stuff.

 

Whenever I think about 2016 I am smiling and proud of what I did, of what I became that year. Proud of standing out for myself, and accomplishing so many things in those twelve precious months. Proud of giving myself my best chance.

 

2017, however, was the exact opposite. It balanced out the magical year that was 2016. This past year I did nothing out of the ordinary, and I know it’s ok but I feel like a failure. Did I set the bar too high the previous year?

 

Whenever I re-read this article, I can’t believe I’m the author. I can’t believe I could have felt so inspired, so empowering. I want to make that version of myself proud of me.

 

So, what changed? Did I just let life happen to me?

 

A lot of stuff happened to me. I was assaulted. More than once. I lost people in what could be considered tragic ways. I was confronted with some difficult situations. My mental health has not been the best.

 

It’s the result of several traumas, heartbreaks, deceptions and an overall lack of confidence in myself. It happens, my brain has its own ways and I barely acknowledged it until now.
There’s one song I’ve listened to a lot this year (599 times according to last.fm) that perfectly reflects how I felt this past year : Breaking Down by Florence + The Machine.


“Ah-ah, ah-ah I think I’m breaking down
All alone on the edge of sleep
My old familiar friend
Comes and lies down next to me”

 

In 2017, I did not create as much as I wanted to. I didn’t travel enough. Didn’t take pictures enough. Didn’t read enough. Didn’t meet enough people. I wasn’t enough. I felt (trying very hard not to use present tense right now) like such a disappointment.

 

What does it feel like a failure? Is this society’s pressure, or just me pressuring myself to be at my best all the time? Success is a relentless quest for our generation we have to be constantly able to prove that we are successful. It’s sickening, right? I don’t want to measure my success by how much books I’ve read (even though I absolutely adore statistics) or by how many countries I’ve been to. It’s not healthy, well, for me at least.

 

I did not have a good year. I didn’t achieve much. I am trying to make my peace with that.

 

I won’t set myself high goals for 2018. I just want to breathe. I want to see landscapes. I want to read. I want to love. I want to live… at my own pace, and that’s completely fine.

6 thoughts on “On Breaking Down in 2017 and Rising Up in 2018

  1. Coucou Candice,

    Pour ma part, 2017 fut une année compliquée aussi mais pour d’autres raisons. Quand je me suis sentie sombrer (et que les gens autour de moi ne me semblaient pas toujours comprendre ce qui était entrain de se passer sous leurs yeux), je n’ai pas nécessairement ‘pris les choses en main’ mais j’ai arrêté tous les trucs inutiles de mon quotidien (instagram comme exemple parmi d’autres), j’ai commencé à me laisser du temps pour ne RIEN* faire, j’ai fait l’effort de trier pour me donner l’espace de ‘recommencer’. Ca fait beaucoup de bien de ne plus voir ce que font les autres personnes (surtout pour les gens angoissés :)). Bref, j’espère que 2018 sera une bonne année pour toi, nous verrons bien ce qu’elle nous concocte. Je t’envoie un énorme hug.

    *littéralement

  2. Ma belle bichette ! Il en faut, du courage, pour affronter une année moisie, les ennuis qui s’accumulent, les petits signes foireux du destin… et il en faut encore pour oser publier tout ça sur le net, même de manière pudique et élégante comme tu l’as fait.

    Les mauvaises passes sont toujours pénibles, en particulier lorsqu’elles semblent durer indéfiniment. Mais elles finissent par passer. Au cœur de la tempête, on se demande souvent ce qu’on a mérité pour se prendre tout ça dans la tronche ; ensuite, quand tout se calme et qu’on peut enfin respirer, force est de constater que ces temps difficiles nous ont appris beaucoup, aussi.

    Quant au nombre de livres lus, hé bien, ce n’est pas un concours (malgré ce qu’Instagram et consorts nous laissent croire).

    Je te souhaite de trouver de l’apaisement, de voyager et de ne pas te mettre la pression ! Tu es une personne incroyable !

  3. Sometimes we go through shit, but only to rise up even higher then before. We lose our self and it seems hard to find our way back to ground floor. But it’s not all bad. Even if it might feel so. Make it a motivation, to ‘live again’ doing what you love and loving yourself. Write down what you want, and go for it. Don’t be sad for all that you didn’t do in 2017 that you wanted. It happens. Have faith in yourself!
    Lots of love!

  4. oh honey! sad to hear that you’ve had to go through so much this year. i just want to say that it’s completely okay for you to feel whatever you feel, but also that even if you truly didn’t achieve anything you wanted etc, it’s okay and not a failure. it’s always okay just to get to another day and to survive. i hope 2018 will be millions better (for both you and me, but especially you!) and that you’ll get to accomplish these lovely goals and to enjoy life! xxx

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